


feel it out.

by xanderritz



Category: Harry Styles - Fandom
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-19
Updated: 2018-07-19
Packaged: 2019-05-25 14:23:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 10,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14979038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xanderritz/pseuds/xanderritz
Summary: A piece your heart can be found in anyone at any time, the times when you least expect it and the people you'd never think to look for it in.





	1. 1

Alarms are a weird thing, aren't they? This sound that triggers your body to react in a way you aren't conscious of, waking up. It programmes you to do so even before it goes off, like a warning, to prepare you. Which is exactly what Harry had been doing the past three nights, even worse as the tour had just started and he was already exhausted.

Two weeks ago Harry's third tour started and he has to spend twenty hours on a bus more or less every single day. For the first tour, his mother and sister came with him the entire time. The second tour, they joined halfway through. This tour? They were coming to three or four shows, Harry didn't even know which. 

He got lonely, of course, he did, he also doesn't have the heart to start a relationship then leave for 6 months at a time. No one would be willing to leave work and join this random guy they'd just started dating on a claustrophobic bus for half a year so it was just him, his manager, Jeff and his girlfriend, Glenne. He loved them, together, they were like his tour parents, parental figures aside, Jeff is Harry's best friend, he knows everything Harry does, needs or wants, even the things he refuses to say. 

Harry glances up as his curtain breaks open a little, only to meet a kind and sympathetic smile from Jeff. He swallows, not wanting to move, to do anything, to go anywhere. He just wanted to sleep. "You have an interview at 12, I can cancel, tell them you're not fee-," He shakes his head, Harry has never canceled an interview and he's not about to start now, sure, he's moved them to be over the phone but he's never just not appeared. "No, it's fine, I just need to sleep a little more. Can you wake me up at 11?" Jeff gives a gentle nod and quietly walks away.

He doesn't. Harry wakes up, checks his phone, only to see it's now half two in the afternoon and lets out a sigh of relief, making a mental note to personally apologize to the magazine later. He jumps down from the bunk, trying to land as quietly as possible, not knowing who was sleeping where and makes his way to the bathroom. On his way back out, he throws on a shirt from the bottom bunk that he's honestly not sure is clean, grabs a bottle of water and makes his way outside to join the crew for their daily little catch ups.

Harry spots a not so familiar face talking to Jeff outside the arena, he makes a terrible decision to be nosey and heads towards them, looking entirely smug for the purpose of confusing this mysterious newcomer. "Good afternoon, Jeffrey, I seemed to have missed my alarm," he says with raised eyebrows, knowing he can make Jeff feel guilty for changing his schedule but honestly, he didn't care, he was grateful and terrible at pretending not to be. "I'm kidding, thank you, I needed that." The taller man beside him coughs awkwardly, clearly annoyed that Harry had interrupted their conversation.

"Ah, you two have not met, Harry, this is Xander Ritz, he plays lacrosse, we grew up together he's thirty-three years old and will be joining us for a little of the tour as his season just finished and the loser has nothing better to do. Xander, this is Harry Sty-," Harry chuckles, closing his eyes and shaking his head. 

"Xander, your name is Xander? What kind of name is that?" he looks at him with pursed lips, suddenly becoming very aware of how attractive the man he's just bullied for how stupid his name is, not through fault of his own, not to mention how much older and taller he is than him.

"Xander's kind of cool, do you not think? I mean, can you even have a nickname other than the first letter of your name?" he challenges, Harry tilts his head and unpurses his lips as if to say "Touché" causing the broad, striking man to giggle, to his surprise, Harry finds himself laughing back.

"Okay... Before you two start making out, I'm going to show Xander inside and the buses, you need to go to soundcheck. I'll catch up with you later." Jeff butts into the interaction that was intensifying rapidly, pulling Xander through the back doors of the venue to the dressing rooms. "It was nice to meet you, H!" Xander yells, looking over his shoulder with a smirk only to hear a faint "Nice to meet you too, Xander!" as the doors close behind the three. A definate over-exaggeration on the name

Harry walks towards the stage doors, quietly chuckling to himself, completely unaware of the shit he'd just gotten himself into.


	2. 2

Even though tour had only just started, there was already planning in the midst of a party, something which seemed to happen every month of the tour, without fail, a way of letting go, to relieve the pressure. Harry didn't drink at them, that always seemed to be a highlight for everyone else, it's not that he doesn't drink but he'd rather not wake up on a moving, rattling, tiny bus with an insane hangover. The rest of the crew somehow don't mind it, maybe, it's just a personal thing.

This time, there would be another presence at the party, not an, let's say, unwanted one but Harry certainly wasn't too keen on him at all. There was something about Xander that just made him uneasy. Perhaps it's the way he towers over him or the fact that he's 11 years older than him or friends with his manager or maybe it's just because he plays Lacrosse.

They'd decided Saturday would be a good night for it as the venue was allowing them to rent out the back rooms until the early hours of the morning, Harry couldn't be less looking forward to it. Not that he wasn't hyped after shows and in a partying mood but he was already tired and didn't particularly want to spend an entire night with Xander getting drunk beside him and probably all over everyone in his proximity. Especially him. 

It was Thursday now, 4:52 pm to be precise, and Harry, Jeff, Glenne, and Xander had just pulled up to the hotel they'd be staying in for the next two nights before they drove off to yet another location halfway across the country. As their driver opens the boot to retrieve their bags, Xander appears next to Harry. "This is a lot nicer than somewhere I expected you to stay, luxurious, pretty." A smug grin widens over his face as Harry looks up at him with squinted eyes and tight lips. "Were you expecting me to spend a six-month tour renting out Travelodge's and Air BNB's?" He returns Xander's smug grin as he begins to walk into the wide doored 5-star hotel, thanking the driver and grabbing his rather fitting Gucci travel bags. 

As soon as Harry gets to his room, he jumps in the shower, feeling the need to wash away whatever the fuck just happened outside off of him. It's not that Xander was a bad person, Harry's been assured he's lovely but there's still just something about him, one thing that Harry can't put his finger on that's giving him this uneasy feeling that makes his stomach flip everytime he's near. Maybe he's just hungry. He has the quickest shower of his life, wanting to rest a little before he has to have dinner with Jeff and the others downstairs and definitely wanted to rest before he had to spend an entire meal sitting next to Xander.

Dinner flew by, they talked, they laughed, they listened to Xander complain about how he liked nothing on the menu, of course, Harry got irritated every time and continued explaining it was luxurious high ranking food, something which Xander, Mr. Lacrosse player, wasn't used to. Harry'd be lying if he said he didn't have a nice time, the whole experience made Xander seem a little more human to him but that feeling, it was heavier than ever, being next to him, having him lean over him, lean back, rest his arm over the back of Harry's chair, the closeness, Harry just, felt something.

It's now 2:33 am, Harry has a show which he is supposed to be waking up at 7 for, maybe he could get Jeff to let him oversleep again, after all, it was his little stunt that made Harry miss that interview so really, he owes him. Harry makes a stupid decision to go on his phone, only knowing it'll keep him awake for another hour or so, he opens up Instagram, rather taken-a-back by the first notification that pops up, weirdly enough, from 25 seconds ago. "xanderritz started following you". He looks wide-eyed at his screen for a few seconds before making a barely conscious decision to hit the follow button on his account.

It was becoming quite clear to Harry that he wasn't going to get much sleep if any, tonight. Nerves were beginning to set in, what if he puts on a bad show? He knew Anne and Gemma would be arriving later, what if everything goes terrible and he disappoints everyone? He won't but his sleep-deprived brain seems to think it's an option. Harry spends around half an hour laying in bed, scrolling through Xander's account and his tagged photos, obviously, he'd never tell him that, he'd never tell anyone that. All he knows or rather doesn't know is that the feeling was back, in the pit of his stomach, his chest, his heart.


	3. 3

Saturday morning, 6:45 am and Harry was awake. He had, once again, woken up before his alarm set for 7, not that he minded, being on tour was tiring enough as it is and 15 minutes is a lot of sleep on the road but tonight is the party and if he doesn't find time to rest between soundcheck and the show then he's going to be even less looking forward to it than he already is. Xander was still here, to be honest, Harry didn't know when he was leaving, neither did Jeff or himself for that matter. Maybe, if he sticks around for the rest of tour, Harry'll find a way to not be intensely irritated by everything he does, if those are the feelings he's getting.

Harry jumps in the shower, not wanting to leave everything to the last minute before show time like he normally does, and leaves his room to head down for breakfast with the crew that seemed to take over the entire dining hall, not that it mattered as Harry had booked an extremely large amount of rooms but he never quite realised the number of people who rely on him and he relies on. The tour "family", if you will, is made up of so many different crews, sound, lighting, tech, band, stage, and Harry made sure he knew every single person, especially for times like these. 

Harry finds himself sitting at a table with Jeff, Glenne, and Xander, a pretty normal occurrence minus the extra appearance, talking about everything and nothing to do with today's schedule. "I noticed you two followed each other last night, or this morning for that matter," Jeff says, looking up slightly at Harry, taking another bite of his avocado toast as Glenne quietly laughs beside him. Harry lightly closes his eyes, shaking his head with a hint of a smile, finding it amusing that he'd even begin to think that either of them had any romantic or sexual interest in the other.

"I thought, since I'm going to be on this tour for a little longer, it would be nice for us to get a little closer, even if that is just started by social followings," Xander explains, turning to look at Harry with a kind and soft expression on his face, one which Harry began studying for too long, noticing the way his smile was twitching, his eyes were flickering over Harry's face, the way his nostrils flared a little as he took the smallest breaths in. The only reason he snaps out of it is that Xander forces eye contact, raising his eyebrows, waiting for Harry's agreement.

"It was a bit weird that you randomly decided to follow me at half two in the morning," He says with fake disgust, smirking at Jeff, who was, too, trying to keep himself from laughing. "You know, you were just laying in bed and thought "You know what I'm going to do, I'm going to go on Instagram and follow Harry." like dude, you could've just gone to sleep." He continues, chuckling at the end.

"Haha, very funny. I'd think you were serious if you didn't follow me back 30 seconds later." Xander challenges, Harry choking on his coffee in the process causing Jeff to let out the laugh he'd been holding back. Harry stares at Jeff until his laughter dies down to a few giggles and stands up, having finished his breakfast 15 minutes ago, and makes his way back up to his room to get changed in time for leaving with everyone else to head to the venue. 

They soundchecked pretty much as soon as they arrived so Harry decides to use the remaining 4 hours before he had to start getting ready to try and get some much needed and well deserved rest, curling up on the tiny sofa in his dressing room, asking one of the many security guards in the hall to make sure no one disturbs him until he was awake again. The second he lays his head down and pulls his jumper closer to his chest, his eyes drift shut and he is almost immediately out.

Harry wakes up to Jeff and Glenne sorting his outfit for the night in the corner of the room where the crew had set up one of many wardrobes. He rubs his eyes in an attempt to hopefully wake him up a little, still feeling exhausted and run down but knowing he only had around 4o minutes until he had to be dancing and prancing about in front of 10's and 1000's of people. "Good morning, Sleeping Beauty," Jeff teases as Harry brushes the comment off, stretching, needing to wake up. "Clothes are on the dressing table and your shoes are by the door, your hair's getting done in two minutes so hurry up," he says as he makes his way out of the door, leaving Harry to get changed before he most likely makes a fool of himself on stage.


	4. 4

Harry runs off the stage to be greeted by the crew and venue staff congratulating him on a great show, he smiles and thanks everyone for the compliments and their hard work only to be pulled away by Jeff in a hurry to get him to the party they'd spent the past week planning. "You can either go to the dressing rooms and get changed or just wear that but you're coming now," he says, already one beer down, the same as quite literally everyone else who'll be there.

Everyone cheers as Harry appears in the doorway, after all, it is technically a party for him, he accepts the cheers, of course, raising his hands to encourage them more, only to be called "a cheeky little bitch" by 4 different people. He, obviously, laughs it off and approaches Anne and Gemma to give them both much needed, extremely tight hugs, only to feel a presence behind him. "Mum, Gemma, this is Xander, he's a friend of Jeff's, he's joining us for a little of the tour as he's now unemployed," Harry explains to his family, shooting Xander the biggest, cheesiest, fakest grin he could possibly bring to his face. Xander politely greets his family before giving them their space again, which is something that weirdly brought that little feeling back into Harry's stomach.

"So you're telling me, you won't drink anything tonight, not even if I put this here?" Xander asks Harry with his head lolling about against the back of the sofa, too drunk to keep his focus, no matter how hard he tried whilst holding his cup of whatever he'd chosen from the grim selection right up to Harry's mouth, sniggering a little, waiting for his response. Harry takes the cup away from Xander and rests it on the floor before leaning back to his position that seems to be growing ever so close to the older gentleman. "Not even if you put it there," Harry says with a slight smile, feeling a little bad that Xander had gotten in such a state but he couldn't blame him for wanting to let go, after all, he wasn't exactly used to the tour life, so Harry just gazes at him, for amusement purposes, clearly. 

Harry really hadn't spent a lot of time with Xander, especially not like this, where they were both relaxed and not worrying about the day ahead, not giving a care in the world. Harry leans his head back, mirroring the way Xander had been sat half the time he'd been there, The ceiling has artwork on it, not graffiti or just a few pen lines, proper artwork. Harry finds himself looking at one angel in particular that had the nicest eyes and made him feel calm, blissful, almost, following the way they all seemed to be touching or linking with other in the same way, finding it not-so-strangely beautiful.

Harry finds himself aimlessly looking around with pursed lips and furrowed eyebrows, he'd let Xander start talking about something to do with Lacrosse and he had now been going on about it for the past 10 minutes, not that Harry minded, in a weird way, he found his voice kind of relaxing, maybe it's just the fact that his accent isn't the same as Harry's and his voice is a little higher and it's something different. Maybe this is something different. He excuses himself before he lets his mind wander a path he doesn't particularly want to go down.

Harry now finds himself in the room that Jeff and Glenne had ended up in with most of the crew instead of friends that had arrived, looking around for the pair, clutching his bottle of water tightly, almost using it as a stress ball. He finally locks eyes with Glenne who nods him over to sit with them and some guys from staging crew. "So, are you getting along better with Xander?" she pries, Harry knows she's only interested because he's a friend of Jeff's and normally Harry hates to talk about things like this but there's something about tonight that makes him want to pour his heart out to her. "Yeah, a little, I think he's cool," He says with a slight smile, weirdly feeling his cheeks heat up slightly before excusing himself to go and find his family.

Xander is still sitting the exact same way he was when Harry had left his side, not bothered to move or even pick up his drink but somewhere along the line of Harry leaving and his continuous staring at the ceiling, Gemma had taken the seat next to him. "Gemma?" he asks, looking at her, his eyes softening and a couple of tears brewing, he swallows hard, the level of alcohol in system rising and falling at the same time. "I think I have feelings for Harry." his eyes flutter shut for the night.


	5. 5

"Hey, how's your head?" Harry softly asks Xander as he makes his way into the back room of the bus, taking a seat in between Jeff and Harry, leaning his head immediately back as he had done the night before, letting out a frustrated groan in response to his question. Harry chuckles and stands up, making his way out to the kitchen area to grab Xander some paracetamol and a bottle of water, still feeling bad about how much he had drunk, luckily he didn't embarrass himself.

"Hey, d'you sleep okay?" Harry's head whips round to see his sister at the bus door, in one of the tour jackets he'd gotten for everyone. He swallows and nods too eagerly causing her to sit down and Harry to sigh. "It's nothing, I'm just stressed with the tour. Don't worry, it's fine," he says, smiling sweetly, hoping she'll take that and leave. Gemma tilts her head whilst studying Harry's face, knowing him all too well.

"You sure that's the only thing you're stressed about? There's nothing else? It's nothing to do with Xand-" she pauses when the curtains cutting off the rest of the bus open as a sleepy, hungover and squinting Xander appears. "Do you know where there's some paracetamol or anything?" Harry quickly hands him the bottle of water and the medication he'd already planned to give him before his sister started questioning his personal life. "Here, I was getting them for you anyways." he thanks Harry almost silently and with that, he leaves the kitchen.

"There is nothing going on between Xander and me, I don't even know him, Gem. He's not exactly my number one fan, is he? We've talked like 4 times since he arrived. I'd be stupid to start something or to start feeling something for someone who despises me the way he does." Harry swallows, he would never admit saying that last sentence tugged at his heartstrings, he didn't need to, Gemma knows. Gemma always knows. She quickly stands up, pulling him into a hug, making Harry laugh in response, keeping his guard up.

He still hasn't admitted to himself he's falling for Xander, how was he meant to admit it to someone else? "Gemma, listen to me, I'm fine, Xander and I, aren't even friends, he's an acquaintance, part of the crew, there's nothing there. Please, stop worrying, I know he has to go, he has to leave and I'll probably never see him again, I get that and I am fine with it. I don't have feelings for him, Gem." he actually manages to persuade her. Gemma thinks Harry feels nothing for Xander, less than nothing. Harry leaves her to her thoughts, stepping off the bus to go to into the venue.

Xander enters the kitchen again, Gemma looking at him with wide eyes, startled, wondering how much of that he had heard. "Has he gone?" he asks, eyebrows together, tight lips and empty eyes. "What did you hear?" she regrets asking immediately, looking at the floor to avoid any feelings of hurt she might find in his face. "Nothing, I just came out of the bathroom, what were you talking about?" Gemma lets out the breath she wasn't aware she was holding, blinking a few times, thanking the God's. "He's just, stressed about the tour." only for Xander to respond with a chuckle. "I'm not surprised, this is a nightmare." he didn't remember. He doesn't know she knows. "Do you know where he went? I need to ask him something," he asks her, putting the water bottle on the side and the rest of the medicine back in the basket. Gemma feels a weight in her chest, worrying about Harry rejecting Xander about whatever he's going to ask him. She debates lying and saying she doesn't know but, whatever it is, Harry's nice enough to be polite about it. "He's inside, with the crew,"

Harry is sitting in the backstage lounge with some of the crew who had been working on the set all morning, getting his nails painted and getting all the very boring gossip of what behind the scenes is really like. He'd opted for a shiny purple, not too bold, not too subtle but pretty. The door opens as Xander's head pops through, quickly searching for Harry. He sits up a little, shooting him a smile and nodding him in. Sarah, from kitchen crew, stands up and leaves the table, giving Harry and Xander some privacy. "Hey, I was just wondering if you wanted to go get some lunch, we haven't talked much and I really do want to get to know you. I think it could be nice." Harry just looks at him for a second, wondering if Gemma had told him he was partially upset about not spending time getting to know Xander, his mind eventually realizes that she's his sister, she wouldn't do that to him. "It's a date," he replies with a wide smile and a giggle.


	6. 6

Considering Xander left after he asked Harry for lunch, he could only assume he meant today and not after he walked out as it was 3 pm and they'd already eaten. It was now Monday, half one in afternoon and Harry and Xander are driving into LA to go and get some lunch, or they should've been. Harry hadn't answered any of his calls or texts and he didn't stay on the buses last night, he went home, Xander can only believe he never wanted to go with him in the first place. 

Harry sits at home, watching tv as he left his phone, his car keys and his charger on the bus and they'd been locked in the venue until showtime tomorrow, he feels terrible, knowing he's meant to meet Xander but he doesn't know where he stayed, where he is or where they were even going. Maybe Jeff will come round and he can ask him to call Xander or maybe Xander will get his address from Jeff and he'll come round and Harry can cook something for them and they'll mess around in the kitchen until they kis-.

His mind is silenced. There's a knock at the door, Jeff, Harry got incredibly nervous all of sudden, wondering if he knew, knew where he was meant to be, who he was meant to be with, what he was thinking about. He makes his way to unlock the door, lightfooted as if it would lower his heart rate and force him to calm down. "Thought you were meant to be on a date?" Jeff chuckles as he enters Harry's house, smirking as they make eye contact until he sees how distraught Harry is and gives him a sympathetic look.

"Haha, very funny, I was meant to be going out for lunch with Xander somewhere in LA but I don't know where he is, he doesn't know where I am, I don't know what he's doing or where we meant to be going, he probably doesn't even remember, he's probably already eaten, he probably went out with someone els-," Jeff holds his phone and keys in the air, making Harry shut up immediately, he was coming here to give him them so he could go and Harry's basically just admitted he'd be hurt if Xander had in fact forgotten, if he had gone with someone else. "Thank you." 

Harry runs out to his car, leaving Jeff to look after the house or lock up when he leaves, he'd asked him to send him Xander's number but he's impatient and makes the decision to head for the venue instead. LA traffic is a nightmare, even more so at lunchtime, Harry sits in one of the many long lines, tapping his feet, tapping his fingers, biting his lip all whilst muttering "Come on, come on, come on, come on," over and over again until they start moving. 

Harry arrives at the venue to see Xander standing next to the gate, Harry was here, an hour and a half after he was meant to be. He pulls into the parking space saved for him and quickly jumps out of the car. "Xander, please, please listen to me," he looks at the ground, shaking his head, clearly upset and annoyed with Harry and he hates it. Harry starts tearing up. "Pleas-," he looks up. "You forgot. You left me here for almost two hours. You forgot." A tear falls, he doesn't try to wipe it away.

"Xander, listen to me, let me explain, please," he ushers for him to do so, not that he thinks it'll make a difference. "My phone and my keys were on the bus, Jeff brought them, he brought them to, I don't know, 30 minutes ago. Xander, I want to go for lunch, I want to get to know you, I want to know you, of course, I do. I didn't forget and I panicked and I was upset because I thought you had forgotten and you'd already eaten and gone with someone else or something like that. I just, I guess we both thought the same."

He starts laughing to himself, causing Harry to feel so hurt until he looks up at him with the most innocent gleam in his eyes. "But neither of us were right," he says, still giggling making Harry join in now. "I guess we both sound and look pretty pathetic, huh?" Both now in fits of laughter, Harry nods towards his car, calming down. "What do you say we go and grab some lunch? My treat." They get in.


	7. 7

They drove around LA until they came across a cafe on Melrose Avenue and decided it was good enough for their "date" as Harry had jokingly called it yesterday. They head inside to order before taking a seat in the outside area, it's not too hot but the purpose of this was to talk, to get to know each other, to get closer and the inside is a little too crowded to do so. 

The two of them ordered the exact same thing they get from the kitchen crew every day but it feels new, like something they've never had before, this wild adventure of this mystical food they'd been dying to experience when in reality it was toast, salad, and some fruit. The situation, the privacy, the silence, that's what made it feel new. Harry's sitting with this guy he'd practically just met in this date setting in public with no one he knows around to make jokes or tease him about it in any way. That makes him nervous, makes him feel like this is a date, that this is something more, the something more that he craves but will never tell himself he needs.

"I'm really glad we're doing this, that we didn't just get mad at each other and cancel. It probably wouldn't have been rescheduled, you know that." Xander says, taking a sip of the strange juice drink he'd decided to order per Harry's request. "I really did think you'd forgotten though, that's why I asked Jeff to go and check on you, on the off chance you were still asleep or something. I have to say I was relieved when the only thing you'd forgotten was your phone and keys, that I don't mean that little to you, that you'd forget about me that fast." he finishes more seriously, looking down and playing with his fingers to avoid Harry's stare he could feel burning into his face.

"So it matters to you how much you mean to me? That's sweet." Harry replies with a teasing tone, causing Xander to look up confused and saddened. "I'm really grateful you waited, that you didn't leave 2 minutes after I didn't turn up. That means a lot to me and it means a lot to me that you cared enough to stay there as long as you did." he feels bad about mocking him for caring but the truth is Harry feels exactly the same, his heart would've broken had Xander not have been stood there, just like his heart will break when he has to go.

"When are you leaving? The tour, I mean." Harry now mirroring Xander's previous actions of playing with his fingers just to make sure he was looking everywhere but at him, terrified of him saying tomorrow or next week or anything at all. When he doesn't answer after a minute, Harry looks up to see Xander chewing on his bottom lip as if debating whether or not to say something, He is. "What? What is it? When do you leave?" Harry presses, the bubble of anxiety building from his stomach to his chest, tightening.

"Do you still want me to? I mean, I don't have another game until the tour's over, I don't really want to go home. I didn't expect to enjoy spending time on the road with a 22-year-old but here we are. I don't have to go if you don't want me to." Xander explains, holding eye contact with the younger boy, finally seeing the vulnerability he holds, the wobble of his lip, the blink of his eyes, the way tears are forming but being denied a fall.

"What makes you think I want you to stay? You're here with Jeff, ask him, it makes no difference to me whether you're here or not, you're part of the crew, in the background party. We don't know each other, we're not friends. If you want to go, go." Harry snaps, getting up from his chair and quickly walking towards his car as the tears he'd been holding back oh-so-well begin spilling down his cheek and he lets out a choked sob, praying he didn't follow him, that he wouldn't come back, that he'd go. But of course, that's not what he wants at all.


	8. 8

Harry is laying in his dressing room on the sofa, that is too small for him but it's the only thing giving him the slightest feeling of comfort, sobbing into his shirt in an attempt to keep them muffled. He was a dick, he knows he was a dick but he got scared, but sitting there opposite Xander, he felt like he had "I love you. I care about you. Please don't leave me." written all over his face and Xander was reading him like an open book. 

Harry doesn't want to feel this way about Xander, hell, Harry doesn't want to feel this way about anyone. He'd never been into guys like this, sure, there was the odd crush on a film star or having feelings for a best friend but this is different, this means something to Harry because he needs someone and Xander wants to be there for him. That's horrifying, to someone who is so used to being alone on the road, to everything being a business relationship, to no one truly caring about him.

There's a knock at the door, he knows it's Jeff, Harry ignores but when it opens 5 seconds later the only thing he can do is pretend to be asleep, hoping and hoping he'll go away. He fails, his emotions wash over him like he's laying on a stony beach with nothing but rain and clouds surrounding him, pouring down. He sobs and sobs and sobs as he takes a seat on the floor next to him, running a hand through his hair, down his back, telling him it's okay, that everything is okay, trying to find anything to calm him down, to find anything to let him know he understands.

"Harry, listen to me, we all know how you feel about Xander, whether you are ready to admit it to yourself or anyone else and it's okay. I know you're scared, we all know you're scared and we're here for you, you know that, you've always known that but you have to talk to us, Harry. He told us, what happened, what you said, how you left things. He knows it was a heavy question Harry but he doesn't want to stay if you don't want him here but he doesn't want to leave you this way. Please talk to him, or to me and I'll talk to him for you. You both just need to figure out what the fuck is going on." Neither of them knew when, but at some point during Jeff's outpour, Harry had turned around, sat up and pulled him into a hug.

"I'm scared, I'm so, so scared. I don't know what I want. I want him here but I don't. I don't want to feel this way. I can't. I can't do this. I'm meant to be focusing on tour and on music and on me and I can't. It's like he turned up, gave me one look in the eye and I fell straight into his arms and I want him to let me go but I need him to pull me closer but I'm the closest I can be." He admits, breaking down and whining into Jeff's shoulder and he wraps his arms tightly around Harry. He'd finally admitted he was falling for Xander, not only to himself, to Jeff, his best friend, Xander's best friend. Maybe Jeff knows something he doesn't, maybe this is what Harry needed to do to see that.

Harry had now been sitting in the back room of the bus for 30 minutes watching the worst show he's ever seen, just waiting to hear the door open, to hear Xander's voice. He waits for another 20, he doesn't mind waiting for Xander, just like Xander didn't mind waiting for him. Sure, it wasn't nearly two hours, well, not at the moment anyway but it's the thought that counts, right? The fact that he'd been sat here doing literally nothing for one reason only. His rambling thoughts are interrupted as he hears the squeak of the door, praying to himself it's the crew as he begins to get nervous. He gets that feeling again, in the pit of his stomach that's taking over his body, his mind.

"Hey, we've been looking for you, no one knew where you'd gone, what's up?" Xander questions him, a soft tone to his voice, concerned about why Harry had disappeared, he knew it was because of what happened and he knows Harry feels bad. He doesn't like that, especially as it feels like Harry is mad at him and it hurts when the person you lov-. "Nothing, I'm just tired. Can we talk though?" Xander sits next to Harry, putting his arm over the ledge behind him, getting close, but not close enough, not as close as Harry wanted him to be.

"I'm sorry. I want you to stay. I want to get to know you. I want to work on this, whatever it is. I like you, please don't think I don't, I do. You kind of just appeared and that was weird for me, it's different, this crew has been the same for years and all of a sudden there's this new guy around that everyone is getting on with but me. I didn't like that and I took it out on you and I'm sorry. You didn't deserve that. You can stay for the whole tour if you want, if that's what you'd like to do, like, if you want to hang around or whatever." He starts rambling, avoiding saying "I want you to stay because I'm in love with you."


	9. 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut Warning

Xander wakes up in the back room of the tour bus with a blanket over him that he doesn't remember falling asleep with, memories of last night come flooding back into his mind, the chats, the giggles, the intense staring matches that would end in Harry barking out a loud yet endearing laugh. "Hey, good morning, I didn't want to wake you up last night so I just got you that. I hope that's okay." Harry says, peeking out the curtain of his bunk to look at Xander through the open door. Xander mumbles a thank you and turns around to rest a little more before he has to keep Harry company until the show later on.

Harry sits down carefully next to a sleeping Xander, trying not to wake him, knowing how tired he is. He pulls out his phone and begins texting Jeff; Hey, I just wanted to say thank you for yesterday, for coming to get me in the morning to calming down later, I'm sorry if I ruined anything for you, I feel terrible. I spent the night with Xander just talking and hanging out, he's going to stay. If you could not tell him anything I said, I'd be forever grateful. I'll tell him, soon, I promise. Thanks, Jeff. H. x

Xander sighs and begins stirring in his sleep, or so Harry thinks, he gets up to grab him a glass of water, closing the door a little behind him. As he makes his way back to the room he starts hearing little gasps, almost moans. His jaw drops as he comes to the realization Xander wasn't waking up at all. But then he hears his name, he must be awake, he's wondering where he's gone, that's what's happening. Harry pushes the door open slightly as he and Xander make eye contact. His hand tightening around the glass as Xander's hand tightens around hi-.

"Hey, I thought you'd left, gone to the gym or something," he says, slightly breathlessly, praying Harry hadn't just heard him moan his name, he barely knows he can stand his company, let alone liked him more than even a friend. Harry just looks at him, continuously swallowing, unsure of what to say. He'd just caught Xander getting off thinking about him, he's looking at him all wide-eyed and trying to catch his breath, he doesn't know he heard.

"No, just, uh, went to get a drink. You okay? You look, a little, uh, scared. What happened? What were you doing?" Harry asks, trying to stop the smirk from widening over his face, he goes to sit back down as Xander quickly sits up, Harry chuckles to himself. "You should probably put your dick back in your pants before you stand," he looks up at him, chewing his lip, "Just a word of advice." He can't help but let out a giggle as Xander grabs the cushion next to him and starts hitting Harry with it.

They both catch each other's eyes, just for a second before Harry leans forward and starts kissing his neck, making Xander take in a shuddering breath. "Tell me, if it's not okay. Please." He whispers into his chest, kissing his way down to the edge of the blanket before pausing, looking up at Xander for reassurance. He debates stopping him, not wanting to ruin what they've been working on all night but this is what he wants, this is what he needs, he gives Harry a nod as he tucks a fallen curl behind his ear. "Please." 

Harry starts pulling the cover down, following the disappearing fabric with his lips, ghosting over Xander's skin every few seconds, his tongue darting out before pressing a kiss down a little harder. He kisses down his thighs just to make Xander impatient, he needs to know he needs him, he wants him, that he's not making a fool of himself. His hand reaches down to cup Harry's face, making him look up with swollen lips and teary eyes. "Please," he repeats.

He takes a deep breath and swallows again, it's at this point Xander realizes Harry has never done this before. "Harry, listen to me. It's okay, I trust you, I'll tell you what to do, okay? I'll be nice, I'll be a gentleman, I promise. You just have to listen to me." Harry looks up at him, biting his lips before Xander runs his thumb over it, calming him down. He trusts Xander, he starts kissing around his stomach and his hips as he lets Xander think through what is actually happening and because he really has no idea what to do. He wants to make Xander feel good, he doesn't want it to be bad.

"Ready?" Xander asks, looking down at him, staring into his eyes, needing to know Harry actually wants to do this, he furrows his eyebrows a little concerned about how long it's taking for Harry to agree. He takes a deep breath, exhales shakily and nods and hums, chewing his bottom lip again that Xander just can't look away from until he releases it. "Okay, take it in your hand, lightly. Just rest it on your fingertips," Harry takes a hold of Xander, lightly, and begins moving his hand up and down, tightening every so often as he does, trying to keep his breathing slow. Xander rests his head back the same way he did when they'd first hung out except this time he had no shirt on and was constantly whispering profanities, mixed with Harry's name and statements of encouragement.

"Okay, okay, okay," he mutters, steadying himself, knowing Harry needs to know the next step. "Okay, now, up to your mouth, feel it out, just, feel it out," breath hitching between each step. Harry leans down, licking his lips as he gets a little closer, his tongue ghosts over Xander's tip as he lets out a whimper and his eyes dart up in panic only to be met with the view of Xander's eyes scrunched up and lips between his teeth, mirroring Harry's main habit. He takes the tip into his mouth before pulling off again, licking his lips again and taking some deep breaths as Xander reaches down and rests his hand on the back of Harry's head, playing with his curls. Harry takes a little more of Xander, still moving his hand knowing he's way too big to take all of it.

Harry finds a steady rhythm with the help of Xander pushing and pulling his head down ever so gently by his curls, every so often twisting one around his finger when it falls into Harry's face. Xander's moans are constant now, he's not swearing, he's not saying Harry name but every single time he goes down, he moans, every single time he comes up, he moans. Harry moves his hand, resting it over Xander's thigh, going down further, making him shudder and grip Harry's hair a little tighter. Harry keeps feeling it out, in fact, he feels it out until he feels his nose bump against Xander's stomach before feeling his tip hit the back of his throat, making him gag a little and pull off coughing. He immediately tears up, feeling a wave of patheticness wash over him.

"Hey, hey, hey, hey, Harry, it's okay, it happens, okay? It's fine, that's normal, it's good, feels good. Okay? You're okay." he runs his thumb over Harry's cheek where he was beginning to blush, heating up under his touch. He lets Harry regain his breath and the little confidence he was starting to acquire before running his hand back through his hair and guiding him back down. Harry does it again, this time, without gagging. He finds the pace again, going a little faster, getting an appetite for everything Xander was about to give him. He pulls off, replacing his mouth with his hand as he presses kisses to Xander's tip, needing that something. He goes back down again, craving it, feeling a tingle run through his bones, needing to taste it.

"Harry, pull off. Harry, please, I need to-, I don't want to hurt you, please, Harry, please, I'm gonna cum, please." Harry lets him hit the back of his throat one more time before pulling off, resting Xander on the edge of his lips, speeding his hand up as Xander tugs at his hair, moaning his name and "fuck" over and over again. He closes his mouth around the tip as Xander stills, whining, filling Harry's mouth, running down the sides as Harry swallows around him. Xander slows his breathing as Harry wipes his mouth with his hand, licking his lips and takes a seat next to him. "So? How was it?" Xander asks, lolling his head to the side, looking at him just like before. A blush creeps back onto Harry's face as he smiles, almost amused. "It was good," he chuckles to himself, confusing Xander, "Buddy." as he lays back and takes a drink before they both rest a little more before the show tonight.


	10. 10

Harry has the day off today whilst all the crew is setting up the stage in LA ahead of his show tomorrow. He wanted to go for lunch with Jeff and Glenne but neither of them answered when he called, he can only assume they had a late night as some friends threw a party which they attended after Harry's show had finished. He hears his text tone go from the bathroom as he jogs back to his bedroom, hoping it's someone, anyone wanting to do something to get him out of the state of boredom he can feel himself submitting to, not wanting to waste the day.

"Hey H, it's Xander, I was wondering if you wanted to try lunch again, anywhere you want, on me." A smile creeps onto his face, images of yesterday haunting his mind. He takes a seat on the edge of his bed debating whether to simply text back or call to hear his voice. Xander wants Harry to call, neither of them quite know how much they like one another but I guess that's how blind love falls. He calls.

"Hey, I can't really talk, I need to hop in the shower but lunch sounds good, we should go back to Melrose, replace that mess with a good memory. It'll be nice, I'll pick you up in half an hour. It'll have to be kind of quick because I think I'm going to go to the studio at 3 so, see you soon," They say their goodbyes as Harry makes his way back to the bathroom and puts on his shower playlist to fill the silence of his empty house, singing along, dancing, trying not to slip, grateful for these moments he gets to himself.

He throws on a shirt and some jeans and rushes to his car, not wanting to be late picking Xander up as he hadn't done anything to annoy him recently and he wasn't going to start again now. As he arrives outside, Xander is finishing locking up, Harry turns off the radio and just looks at him for a second, he didn't know when they'd gotten to this place of complete shared comfort but it's one of his favorite things. Xander jumps in the car, giving Harry a hug, asking how he is and all of the normal stuff you ask a friend when you finally see them again. 

"Jeff told me you asked him to go to lunch, he ignored you so we could go out again. He really wants us to get along, I guess we shouldn't tell him about yesterday." Harry chuckles awkwardly, not knowing if they were going to talk about it or if it was this heavy weight that would weigh them down. He feels like Xander can read his mind sometimes, he always speaks his thoughts. "I don't regret it, you know? I actually had a great time, it was good. Please stop stressing about it, okay? We're good, in fact, I think we're the best we've ever been. I mean, sure there were probably better ways to get here but I'm glad that we are. No matter how. Who cares if Jeff knows or if anyone knows," Harry lets out the breath he didn't know he'd been holding as he grabs Xander's hand and grazes over his knuckles with a kiss as he looks around, hoping no one, especially any paparazzi, saw.

They actually have a great lunch, finally, Harry gets recognized a few times but he expected nothing less, he almost felt normal for the hour they'd stayed there, not even eating for most of it. They talked everything from Xander's family to Harry's sister's cats, it was like they'd been best friends for years. They could finally be alone without being at each other's throats, in the undesired way they both wanted to be. "You said you wanted to go to the studio, are you? What are you going to write about?" Xander asks as they get back into Harry's car.

"I am going, I'd say you could come but they're not as spacious as you may imagine. I just want to get some things off my chest, I guess. Some things have happened that I would like to sing about but, yes, I'm going." Of course, he's not going to tell him what he's writing about, maybe he won't even hear it, it's not like he's heard anything else Harry's been writing. "I guess I'll see you tomorrow, let's grab a coffee, before the show, maybe Jeff and Glenne will come for once."

Harry is now sitting on the sofa in the studio whilst Jeff has gone to get everyone coffee, he's trying to find a way to say the things he wants without it being obvious, he doesn't need endless questions from every single person around him for the next 3 months. He knows what he wants to sing about, he just needs a metaphor, something that won't get him into trouble. It's weird to him, that thinking about it clouds his mind, makes him forget about everything, the stress, the pressure, the press, he's only done it once, yet he needs more, he needs it to become a regular thing. He needs to take his medicine.


	11. 11

"Okay so obviously we've got the beat down, maybe switch out the acoustic guitar for the electric, I think it'll sound better, give it a rockier edge," Mitch, Harry's guitarist proposes as Harry quietly hums to himself whilst writing in his notepad, completely oblivious to the changes they'd been making. "What do you think, H? Electric over acoustic or," he snaps out of the trance that had taken him back to yesterday, looking up at the group of men, with furrowed eyebrows and a confused expression.

"I think electric would be good, I think it would sound better," he takes a deep breath, swallows and licks his lips before speaking again. "I wrote a little, I don't know how good it is but it fits, um, here you go," he throws the notepad onto the table in the middle of the room as Jeff picks it up, reads a few lines and shoots him a knowing yet questioning look. "What's it about? What does this mean? Here to take my medicine, rest it on your fingertips, up to your mouth, feeling it out, how'd you come up with that?" he smirks, grilling the younger boy getting increasingly flustered in front of him.

"I'm not even going to lie to you, because I know, one, you won't believe me, two, you'll probably find out soon anyway," he chuckles to himself, as if in disbelief that he's actually about to tell the majority of his friends he sucked their friends' dick. "So, um, when Xander and I went for lunch and had that, um, issue, outburst, breakdown, whatever you want to call it, he came to see me on the bus, I don't know whether you told him to or not but, we talked about him staying and not being so hostile with each other, I guess. Anyways, he slept in the back room and the morning after, um, yesterday, we were, uh, talking and there was a moment and," he coughs awkwardly, giggling a little, debating whether to be subtle or just say it like it is, he goes for the latter. "And I, um, I went down on him and those are some things that were said at that moment."

Everyone looks around at each other for a few seconds before all continuing to discuss which guitar would work making Harry emit a "Heeeeyyyyy" before hiding his face in his arms. "I mean, H, we all knew something was going to happen between you two and if you didn't, how? Look, I'm proud of you for telling us and I'm glad that you did but we need to finish writing this song about you giving Xander head so if you would, please, help us choose the guitar." He chuckles shuffling closer to the table when the studio door opens.

"Hey, Jeff texted me saying to come down if I wasn't doing anything, I hope that's cool, I won't get in your way," Xander says as he takes a seat next to Harry on the sofa who is staring at his more than amused manager in complete lack of belief that the guy he'd admitted to sucking off seconds before has just walked into the room and would now hear the song written about his dick. "You okay, Harry? I can go if you want me to, I don't want to intrude." Xander says, looking at the nervous boy next to him, placing his hand over his.

A small smile creeps onto Harry's face as his eyes flicker down to look at the ever so intimate interaction, he purses his lips to hide the affection creeping out. "No, no, no, it's fine, you can stay, I really don't mind, it's just," He peers over at Jeff who is watching and listening to what's happening with full concentration. Harry nods towards the hallway as he taps Xander's leg, signaling for him to stand. They walk out, leaving the door open a little so Harry can keep an eye on the nosy crew. "The song we're working on, it's about yesterday, I don't know if it's going to go out, I don't know if I'll put on the album, I just, I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable. We can stop, we can work on something else, I don't mind, I just don't want to put you in that position. They know, I told them, so, it's 100 percent your call."

Xander is leaning against the wall, lightly kicking Harry's shoes with his own, he looks up at him with delicate eyes, giving him an amiable, soft smile. "It's fine, I get it, you write from experience and I know yesterday was a first for you. I'm honored that your writing about our awkward, completely out of character yet incredibly sexy situation," They both laugh, the joking tone to his voice making the tension completely wither away. "Seriously, it's fine, go ahead, write, sing, whatever it is you're doing, I wanna hear." Harry nods, pushing the door open and stepping to one side before holding his arm out, ushering Xander through, as they both enter the room again rather coyly and returning to their previous seating.

"Let's sort that guitar out," Harry says, smirking.


	12. 12

Normally at the end of a studio day, Harry cannot wait to go home, have some food and go to bed but today was different. He doesn't want to go home, he doesn't want to just go and eat by himself then sleep, he doesn't want to leave him. They've been sat here for hours laughing about yesterday and talking and been so close, like best friends, like lovers, and it was going to disappear in a second. "Hey, Xander," Harry calls for his attention as he puts his jacket on, turning to look at him, waiting for him to continue. "Do you want to go for dinner? My treat."

Xander knows Harry lives alone, Xander knows how lonely Harry gets, Jeff has told him about the many times he's stayed over just for some company, some noise, anything. "Where were you thinking?" he questions, crossing his arms, giving Harry the impression he needs persuading when he would say yes in the blink of an eye. "We can't go to that cafe on Melrose, it's closed, and most of the other restaurants are going to be booked up." Harry looks at him, catching on to his little game, more than delighted that they've reached such a comfortable place where they can joke around with each other.

"You do have a point, everywhere will be booked up, places are shut, damn, if only we knew someone famous who could bribe the owner for a table. Where can find someone like that?" He starts looking around the room, under the table, and behind the sofa before jokingly catching himself in the reflection of the blacked out window, letting his jaw drop. "Wait a minute, that's me, I can do that." They stand, smirking at each other, trying not to laugh before Xander rolls his eyes and shakes his head, laughing at Harry's poor, yet funny, attempt to be a comedian.

They walk out the doors as the studio begins to get locked up, Harry walks over to thank the staff who stayed a little later so they could finish their session before jogging back to Xander. "We could go to Catch, that's on Melrose too, I think it's still open and Jeff knows someone that works there, we could probably get a table." Harry pulls out his phone and waits for his response before texting Jeff, kind of hoping he says no to avoid a million questions he'll get. "Or we could just go to mine and order in Chinese or something, we don't have to go out."

Xander knows Harry is nervous about what he'll get asked about the table, he knows how far out of his comfort zone this is and he wants to help him out of it. "No, seafood sounds good, let's go to Catch, I haven't been there in a while. Besides, it'll be nice to go out." He feels Harry tense slightly beside him before he unlocks his phone, sends the text and waits for Jeff's response. He puts his phone in the side compartment of the car after Jeff confirms he's got the table before turning the engine on and beginning to drive to the restaurant in silence, suddenly feeling anxious about being alone with Xander again, let alone in a place even more like a date than lunch.

They order the same starters, the same mains, the same drink and the same desserts, laughing each time it comes out, Harry saying "What does yours taste like?" two minutes in without fail, making Xander smile out of both embarrassment and admiration. It goes surprisingly fast, Xander had booked a taxi, not wanting to burden Harry with driving him home again no matter how much he insisted it would be no bother. Harry pays and tips generously for the trouble of clearing a booked space before they head outside to wait for Xander's ride. 

"I had fun, I'm glad we did this and I'm glad we can do this and I know we didn't get off on the best foot and I'm really happy that now we're at a place where we can spend together and we can go out and it's not awkward or weird or combative," Harry says as he sees a taxi pulling into the further end of the car park. Xander's looks down at him, the way the outside lighting of the restaurant is making Harry's eyes glow an enchanting green, he licks his lips, stepping a little closer before taking an intense breath in and stepping back.

Harry's looks down as Xander takes that step back, it hurt, a lot. He wants to kiss him, he wants to just grab him and kiss him until people are staring, but he can't. "I guess I'll see you tomorrow," Harry says blinking to hide the tears that were so close to falling, giving him a small smile. Xander nods and runs his hand down Harry's arm, knowing it hurt him, knowing how much they both want this but hating how much neither of them will go for it. He trails his hand down, holding Harry's for a split second before he let go and got into the taxi. Just like that, it was over.


End file.
